I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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