On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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