this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
