If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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