he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
