So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Text me some of your sweat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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