bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
