All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
