it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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