New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
