Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
