Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
