I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You left your phone here
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