i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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