The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
