my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
