I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have already put on my inside pants.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
