Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
