Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
