I am puke
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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