Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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