my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
