i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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