why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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