My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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