I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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