Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
