Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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