Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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