ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I bet he comes in French.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
