wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
where are you?
Hypothermia
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
