I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
