Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
