Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
