So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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