Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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