Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
