the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
