Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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