piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize