I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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