Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
