i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
