Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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