omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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