it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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