I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
