Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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