were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
