Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Boobs speak an international language.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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