I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
