He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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