So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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