I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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