his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize