If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
