Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
