The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
