Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
