You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
