There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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