A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
